The Journal
by ScrimjaNinja
Summary: After seeing the treatment that Naruto receives at the hands of his own village Sarutobi Hiruzen, the Third Hokage, decides to give naruto a Journal to help give the boy something to write his thoughts on, while at the same time, keeping an eye on the boys mental stability.
1. Chapter 1

**(A/N: Hey guys guess what? I'm not dead! Hurray for me. I'm sorry about not updating my Earth fox story but I've kind of hit a rut in where to go with it, plus with my unrealistic goal of 5k words per chapter it kind of made it hard to drudge up the motivation to keep writing it. So after reading some more stories I've decided to write some shorter stories/ one shot's to keep myself motivated and maybe improve myself as an amateur author. ScrimjaNinja O.U.T)**

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**The Journal **

Sarutobi Hiruzen, Third Hokage, Leader of the village hidden in the leaves had a frown on his face as he watched a small figure through the crystal orb that lay on his desk; the figure was that of the village's pariah Uzumaki Naruto.

Beside the elderly leader was retired head interrogator Yamanaka Inoichi, who had given his position up to his student Morino Ibiki when his daughter was born as he didn't want to come home and face her cute innocent face after he had literally been raping someone's mind. So instead he had turned to psychiatry, helping people with their problems without the need to delve into their extremely personal memories and experiences.

"He doesn't talk to me." Sarutobi finally spoke after watching the boy's mistreatment at the hands of his own village. "I've tried to get him to talk about how he feels about what he's going through but all he says is 'I'm fine gramps' and then diverts the conversation to something about ramen."

Inoichi nodded his head; he had seen many cases like this but none quite so severe as this. Many people who had been mistreated by family members through mental, physical or sexual abuse had the tendency to repress their emotions so they didn't have to deal with the situation anymore.

"I've had cases like this before, but it's usually just with family members or friends being mistreated. Not something so… large scale. I ask them write in a journal to get their feelings out without having to actually talk to someone about it. Then when they have made some more progress I ask them to share some of their entries to me." Inoichi explained to his leader.

Sarutobi took this in silently but by the brightened expression and slightly more relaxed posture Inoichi could tell that the elderly man liked the idea. "Naruto would never share his thoughts, they are his and no one can take them from him like so much has been already, I know that much about the boy"

Inoichi nodded his head again at that little pearl of insight about the blond haired boy they watched. "What if…what if we modified one of those 'voice to text' seals that the espionage unit made so that it transfers the words from one journal to another?"

"To invade his privacy so much though…" Sarutobi trailed off in indecision.

"Lord Hokage, you were the one who called me here to help with the situation and this is my idea, if he ever finds out you can lay the blame on my entirely, but the way it looks now it doesn't look long before he cracks and starts to become mentally unstable." Inoichi interjected firmly.

Sarutobi barked out a dry laugh "Unstable, seventy five percent of my forces are mentally unstable, what we do as ninjas makes us unstable, the blood on our hands makes us unstable, the blood of the innocent, woman, children, BABIES! THE BLOOD OF UNBORN CHILDREN! DON'T TELL ME THAT HE COULD BECOME UNSTABLE, HE'S NOT EVEN A NINJA YET, HE'S JUST A CHILD!" A wave of killing intent flooded out of the frail looking kage, cracking the windows and splintering the floor boards with the sheer intensity.

Inoichi quickly realised that he had trampled upon one of the few nerves that the usually calm and collected leader had when he spoke of the boy that he was so close to as if he was just another percentage, just another note for the records.

"My apologies Lord Hokage, I did not mean for it to sound so cold!" Inoichi shouted, though it sounded so quite through the blood that was thundering through his body, adrenalin being pumped into his system put him into a hyper aware state and made the killing intent seem so much more potent as he sunk to his hands and knees.

Sarutobi, seeing that he was practically killing his subordinate through his will alone forces himself to calm down with deep breaths and soothing thoughts of the good times he had with his long dead wife Biwako.

Inoichi who was now vomiting into the waste basket that was beside his leader's desk could only shudder as violent tremors racked through his body, one thought was reoccurring as he ejected his lunch from his stomach 'people have faced this person on the battlefield?'

"I'm sorry Inoichi, but with the council subverting all of my attempts to help Naruto I feel so helpless" Sarutobi muttered weakly as he sunk down into his chair.

Inoichi, who had finished emptying the contents of his stomach, finally stood back up, albeit shakily. "I understand Lord Hokage, but I still think this is the best course of action"

"So be it, get it done and bring both journals to my office when the task is done" Sarutobi ordered.

Inoichi saluted swiftly and left the office of the now mentally dubbed 'Scariest person I've met'

Taking one last look at the boy that was being projected on his orb, Sarutobi sighed and stopped the flow of chakra that kept the image there before standing and leaving for his home.

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**(A/N: Ive been dying to do a scene like this for awhile, I think that the Third Hokage is kind of underrated for his position. After this chapter its going to be Journal entries by Naruto and in the last chapter that I do I plan to do some more general view stuff mixed in with journal entry lines I hope you enjoyed this so far, with smaller chapters I plan on writing maybe a chapter a day until its finished? We'll see)**


	2. Chapter 2

**(A/N: two chapters in two days, I'm managing to keep my promise so far, I hope you enjoy it!)**

**The Journal**

_Dear diary, or is it a journal, does it really matter which one is for boys and which is for girls? Anyway this is my first time writing in something like this, old man Hokage says it helps some people to think better if they can get their thoughts onto paper and that it leaves more room in our heads for thinking, I don't know if that's true but I thought 'why not what could it hurt' so here I am, writing in you._

_I guess I better introduce myself, I've heard that's the polite thing to do when you first meet someone._

_My name is Uzumaki Naruto, I am seven years old, and have recently started going to the ninja academy, which is the first step in achieving my dream of becoming the Hokage, which will make everyone respect me and stop giving me those dirty looks!_

_I like going to Ichiraku's, the ramen stand that is near my house because old man Ichiraku and his daughter Ayame are really nice to me they are the only ones apart from old man Hokage who treat me like a person, like I'm worth something, though that might be because of all the ramen that I eat._

_And I like pulling pranks on those who treat me differently; it makes me feel like I've gotten a small amount of pay-back for sending me those dirty looks, like yesterday an old shop keeper tripped me over on purpose so I went back later that day with a can of paint I 'acquired' and set it over the front door of his store so that when he left to go home he was covered in bright orange paint! The look on his face! Priceless. _

_As I wrote before, I'm going to the academy now, so I guess ill have to tone down on the pranks for now, and focus on my studying, after all to be the Hokage you have to be smart and strong. The teachers at the academy are…like the rest of the village, treating me differently for something that I don't know about, acting as if I killed someone close to them, bah. To hell with them, I can deal with adults giving me those looks, I've done it my whole life, I have practice in it by now, but thing that hurt was that the kids at the academy were giving me weird looks as well, like they think I'm some kind of animal, I think that their parents have been telling them about me, but I cant be sure._

_Sometimes, I don't know, sometimes I wonder if it's worth trying anymore, worth getting out of bed in the morning, worth smiling through the pain, worth…._

_No I have to keep strong, keep getting stronger and become the best, ill keep smiling to show they can't hurt me no matter how hard they try!_

_I guess old man Hokage was right, it does feel good to get some of this stuff out, well I have to go to bed, because it's getting late and I have to go to the academy tomorrow, to get even stronger!_

As Naruto closed the journal and put it away in his nightstand drawer he didn't notice the slight glow from between the pages, sending away the information to a concerned old man.

**(A/N: that's that chapter down, its going to continue like this for a while, short journal entries, slowly changing to suit Naruto's different outlook on the village. I hope you like it. Please review it really helps, plus it shows if I should continue this or not.)**


	3. Chapter 3

**(A/N: hey guys this is chapter three of The Journal, keeping up with a chapter a day as promised. My cat had to go into the vet today to get his kidneys checked out; the old boy is 16 years old, that's like 80 in cat years, so he's nearing the end of the back nine, if you know what I mean. I grew up with him and he's been a constant part of my life, ill miss my buddy when he's gone.)**

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**The Journal**

_Dear diary today I thought I would tell you about the people in my class and some of the work that we have been doing._

_Ill start out with some of the kids in my class, first up there is Inuzuka Kiba, he's the heir of the Inuzuka clan as he is the firstborn son of the 'Matriarch', whatever that means, maybe ill ask old man Hokage the next time I see him. He has a cute little dog called Akamaru, which is strange because Akamaru is white not red. Whenever I ask him why he's named that Kiba would just snicker and say 'you'll see if you're on the sharp end of my fangs' and then walk off like he was the greatest thing that ever came out of Konoha. Jerk._

_Next is Aburame Shino, he's really quiet and when he does talk its very soft and kind of scratchy, like he's not used to talking all that much, apparently the Aburame clans members have hundreds of little bugs that live within their body and feed of their chakra. I find that a little creepy, but I guess each little bug could be a friend if you take care of them. _

_Sitting next to Shino is Hyuga Hinata, she's part of the white eyed Hyuga clan, which have the 'Byakugan' which can see in every direction and even through solid objects…does that mean they can see through clothes? Perverts! Hinata is really shy and doesn't really volunteer much to answer questions in class._

_After Hinata is Nara Shikamaru, or as most people call him 'lazy bones', Shikamaru's clan deals a lot with manipulating their shadows and the shadows of others, which I think is awesome! It would be a great help to any ninja who had it if they had to do some sneaking missions. Shikamaru's nickname is well earned as he mostly sleeps through class and whenever its break time he goes up to the roof and watches clouds with Choji. _

_After Shikamaru is Akimichi Choji, a self titled 'Big Boned' guy with a habit of kicking the crud of anyone who calls him fat, fatso, fatty, fat-ass, lard ass, wide load or any other name that might be taken as offense to his weight. Well never let it be said that the kids at Konoha Academy don't have creativity in the nickname department. He's usually joined at the hip with Shikamaru and they are always seen together, everyday. _

_Next is Yamanaka Ino, she's kind of pretty but her personality is bad, she's constantly making fun of peoples looks, lack of abilities or the fact that they don't have as many friends as her. I don't like her very much but her father is a friend of Shikamaru and Choji's dads. It turns out that their dads were part of a famous battle formation called Ino-Shika-Cho. That's pretty cool, thought I wonder if Ino's dad is as rotten as her, you know what they say about the apple and tree._

_After Ino, there's Haruno Sakura, a girl who's from a civilian family, her pink hair was definitely a head turner, I have to wonder if it's natural, I'm pretty sure I've never seen a person with pink hair before. Sakura is a very…physical person who likes to deal with problems with her fists. And as the self proclaimed 'Rival of Ino-pig' in their 'Quest of love' in dealing with 'Sasuke-kuuuuun' I think ill stay away from her. _

_And lastly there's Uchiha Sasuke, a quiet and focused guy who is at the top of the class at the moment, though he's pretty arrogant he's okay I guess, though I'm not jealous when he has to deal with Ino and Sakura, who practically throw themselves at his feet just to get a little bit of attention. Hehe poor guy. _

_The rest of the class looks to be made up of hopefuls from general civilian families or orphans like me, though none of them are really amazing._

_The class work is…difficult. I excel at everything physical, weapons throwing, physical fitness training, and I'm alright at the hand to hand sparring, but the tests and bookwork, not so much._

_I get the feeling that everyone else gets different tests then me, some of the questions that I get on mine are ridiculous I mean really. 'If three kunai are thrown at a speed of **X** and an angle of **Y **how long will it take for them to reach the target if the target is at a distance of **Z**?' _

_This was actually one of my questions. I looked at Kiba's paper and I saw that he was doing multiplication; I'm pretty smart but COME ON! _

_Just another thing to keep smiling through, just… remember to smile._

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**_(A/N: that's another chapter down, the way im working on this story at the moment is pick a topic from the plot points that I have written down and then try to put naruto's view point on the event, its hard to write in the point of view of a young pariah. had to dumb down some of the words and I found a use for the word crud, which I remember using a lot as a young lad. if you have any advice about where I should take the direction of the story of how I could organise my thoughts feel free to review, ill take them on board and add them if I like them, if not ill see if they fit into any of the other ideas I have jumping around in my noggin. I had to keep reminding myself that an exclamation point ends a sentence just like a full stop does lol.)_**


	4. Chapter 4

**(A/N: Another chapter! OH MY GOD I'm actually being reliable for once =) actually I almost forgot to write this thing.)**

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The Journal

_Dear diary, I had a nightmare last night, it was strange I was floating above the hidden leaf village, it was night time and there were only a few glows around the village. I can only assume they were lights or candles in people's houses._

_Then everything got blurry for a couple of seconds, but before I knew it I was attacking the village! I had giant claws that could slice through buildings with ease, my incredible sight I saw the local shinobi coming out to defend there little homes, shooting fireballs and throwing kunai but nothing really happened to me._

_There was…there was a lot of blood, dead ninja's scattered the battlefield, most not in one piece or so disfigured not even their family would recognize them. I thought I was going to be sick but the nightmare just kept on going and going. More dead ninja, more people crying out in anguish at the loss of their loved ones, more smoke, more flame. _

_Then it all ended with a flash of light and I was sitting up in bed covered in sweat, I threw up on the floor after slowing my breathing down from hysterical to panicked, the smell of ramen is much better going in them coming out I now know. _

_I've heard of getting a fright from shadows in the night or maybe strange sounds outside your window, but even the monster in the closet doesn't compare to what I saw. I've never wanted to imagine people with their guts spilled out, desperately trying to shove them back in their bodies, never. But in the nightmare it was so vivid and real. _

_I didn't get much more sleep that night, whenever I closed my eyes all I saw was blood and bodies, I don't think ill be getting much sleep in the next few days either. _

_Well after my nightmare, and cleaning up the mess that followed, I decided to catch up on some unfinished homework that I had forgotten and stayed awake until sunrise, I didn't eat breakfast that morning either, the thought of ramen makes my stomach churn even now while thinking about the dream. _

_Maybe I should try something else for a while; I've heard that dango is quite good._

_What else can I write about…Oh! My birthday just passed you are now being written on by an 8 year old, don't you feel lucky? Old man Hokage came to visit and gave me a set of _real _kunai! Though he said I had to be really careful with them, duh._

_As if I wouldn't be careful with them, but it feels kind of strange to be holding the real thing instead of the blunted training ones we are using at the academy, maybe the weight is different, I don't know. _

_This nightmare thing is really messing with me, I see faces that look similar to the ones I killed in the nightmare, I nearly fell over when I saw one that looked like one I stomped on, I still cant believe how vivid it was. _

_Ugh I'm still drained from not getting much sleep last night, I could concentrate much in class today; I'm hoping to get a good night sleep tonight, though I'm doubtful my hopes will be heard. _

_I'm going to stop writing now, my eyelids are closing on their own and I don't want to fall asleep and get ink all over my face, goodnight journal._

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**(A/N: and that's another chapter done, a little short but I kind of want these to be short and show the slow decent into what I have planned for Naruto…poor poor Naruto. By the way my cat got a steroid shot and that perked him up, though for how long we don't know. Also please review, it doesn't have to be much just an idea or a simple 'nice job' will satisfy me.)**


	5. Chapter 5

**(A/N: Hey guys I'm back, I'm so didn't upload a chapter yesterday, but as soon as I got home from work I was exhausted, I lay on the couch hoping to get an hours sleep before I would go to my computer and write up another chapter, but an hour turned into 8 hours and I woke up in the wee hours of the morning. So I'm planning on release two chapters today the next one will be out in a couple of hours, and then the schedule will return to the normal one chapter per day thing. Hope you enjoy this chapter.)**

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**The Journal**

_Dear diary, I am so tired. The nightmares keep coming, and I'm only getting a few hours of sleep a night, dark rings have started appearing under my eyes and my vision gets blurry sometimes when I'm not focusing._

_I've taken to reading a lot, it helps me focus on other things, like the history of the Hokage's an famous people from the hidden leaf village, I read about a man called Hatake Sakumo. He was more famous then the Sannin and was said to rival them in strength, which is amazing! Though there is something that bothers me about his death, it says that he fell into disgrace after choosing to save him teammates rather then continue the mission. And then, after being disgraced by the village he took his own life._

_The something that bothers me is that old man Hokage and the Hokage before him talk about the 'will of fire' the idea that the village hidden in the leaves gets its strength through their will to protect their friends, family and comrades, and yet they get angry at a guy who chooses to protect his teammates? It seems like there are a lot of hypocrites in the village. I looked that word up in the dictionary, Hehe. _

_Another book I've read talks about the history of the village, how the Senju and the Uchiha came together after years of battles with each other, I sometimes wonder how people back then could just forget about the ones they lost to the other side and make a village together._

_I don't really have much to say about the books that I read other then they help me stay awake. What to write about, what to…Oh! I saw a dog the other day it was in an alleyway and it was trapped under some trash so I helped it out. It was kind of scary though, because it growled at me its lips pulled back over its huge teeth, I thought it was going to bite me! But after I helped it out it licked my hand, it was kind of slimy and gross but I felt kind of…good. _

_I'm kind of running out of things to write about again, my eyes are starting to burn from tired…ness, is that a word?_

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_**(A/N: and that's another chapter down much shorter though, the next few chapters are going to start Naruto's decent into madness, MUAHAHAHA*cough, cough* AHAHAHHAAHA, I hope your still reading =) review if you want to, I don't want it to seem like I'm pressuring you. IT'S OPTIONAL!)**_


	6. Chapter 6

**(A/N: As promised, the next chapter for today. If you skipped right to the sixth chapter you should go back to chapter 5 because I uploaded one before this =) thanks. )**

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**The Journal**

_Dear diary, I've got some big news! I made a friend! Oh man I'm so excited, I was at the park today and I accidentally bumped into someone, knocking them down. It turned out to be a boy the same age as me. I of course apologized as soon as I had figured out what happened and the next thing I knew we were hanging and having fun. _

_His name is Shinji, and he's an orphan like me, but he doesn't have a last name, which is weird because I do, maybe I should ask the old man about that the next time I see him. Anyway from what we talked about he and I are a lot alike, we both like ramen and reading, and the idea of playing a good revenge prank put a grin on his face like it did mine. _

_Shinji is a bit taller then me, and has black hair that reaches down to his neck, I don't really know the color of his eyes because his hair is always in the way, but I guess that doesn't matter, I have a friend! _

_We are going to meet up at the park again tomorrow he promised to bring a long some friends who he knew would like me, we left the park when we saw that the sun was going down and said goodbye to each other. _

_Gosh I'm so excited, my first real friend. _

_I wonder if things are going to start looking up from now on, I have a friend who says he can introduce me to some of his friends; they might become friends of mine if we like each other. So then ill have a group of friends, companions, chums, pals, buddies. So many words for what I've hoped for, for so long all I can remember is people around my age getting pulled back from me by their parents and telling them not to come near me, but not anymore! Uzumaki Naruto is going to start making friends. _

_I still can't keep the grin off my face, Friends! _

_I wonder what were going to do tomorrow, are his friends going to be nice, will they like me or are they going to be like everyone else, and if they are like everyone else will they tell Shinji that he shouldn't hang out with me anymore? _

_So many questions, I'm nervous and excited at the same time._

_I should really be asleep right now but I've got so much energy I cant wait for tomorrow, but it seems like time is being a jerk and going extra slow just to annoy me, I heard old man Hokage say something once, 'a watched pot never boils' I guess that there is some wisdom under those wrinkles eh? _

_For so long I've watched other kids play with their friends, now its going to be me in their place, me kicked the ball to another person, me playing tag, me racing to climb the tree fastest, be getting pushed on the swing instead of being alone and having to push myself._

_I don't think I've ever been this happy before, this might actually be the happiest day of my life so far ha-ha._

_I can't help but think things are going to different from now on, and I couldn't be happier. _

_I think I should stop writing now, after getting this all down on paper I feel a little drained, hopefully the nightmares wont ruin my mood, but I'm still pretty buzzed, I think I'm going to try and get to sleep now. I heard a rumor that if you close your eyes and think of nothing for seven minutes you fall asleep._

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**(A/N: There's the second chapter for the day, I came through! So don't bludgeon me with your hateful comments please. Feel free to review, constructive criticism is always helpful, and even if its not constructive, it might show that I'm doing something wrong, or something that I can improve on. =D) **


	7. Chapter 7

**(A/N: And this is another chapter done! ITS FRIDAY YES! man my feet are sore, standing on concrete all day can make you weary.)**

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**The Journal**

_Dear diary, I was a fool. _

_I made the mistake of hoping against hope, and it came back to bite me like a mad dog._

_Shinji, my friend, turned out to be just like the rest of the village, hateful, his eyes…those eyes, they were just like the villagers, hate, disgust and rage was all I could see in those purple eyes of his. _

_But I thought…just this once that it could be different, just this once things would go my way, that I would get a happy moments, just once! _

_But I have come to realize that I am cursed. _

_Maybe…maybe if I write it down I can see where I went wrong. _

_It started out great, me and Shinji walking to the park talking and chatting like we did yesterday, and when we reached the park I asked him where his friends were, he said that they would be coming later and that we should just have fun for now. _

_I trusted him._

_That was my mistake; I can't trust anyone in _this _village, not one person, not anymore. I once heard a saying, give them a hand and they'll take an arm, well if I give this village a fingernail they'll take everything, my arm, my heart…my mind, I think I'm already starting to lose that._

_After playing around for a few more hours, Shinji decides that we should play tag and then runs off into the forest, I of course follow him, why not, I'm his friend, were just playing a game. Wrong, _

_He led me deeper and deeper into the woods until I couldn't see the playground or the park anymore, and that's when they got me._

_A couple of drunkards who were standing in front of Shinji and drinking from a brown bottle, I could smell from where I was standing, it made me want to gag._

_It turns out that Shinji, that traitor, had made a deal with these drunks for money, gain my trust, lead me away from the village and into the woods where they could do what they want with me, and then pay him a nice bag of money to stay quiet. _

_And it worked. _

_So as I watched Shinji walk away with his pockets full of money and a happy grin on his face the others started beating the crap out of me. _

_I woke up a couple hours after that, the sun was setting and the dew from the night air was starting to form on the grass and trees around me, so cold, wet, beaten up and upset, I trudged back home to you journal, the only one I cant trust. _

_I can't stand it anymore. _

_This place, its draining me, attacking my mind and leaving me to rot in the dirt. _

_I think…I think ill leave, just sneak out the front gates with some merchants from outside of the village, and if I get eaten by a bear or fall into a river and drown, well, its better then living in this place where my very life is looked down on, like I'm a stain. _

_Yes, that's it. Tomorrow when the gates open and the old merchants leave and the new ones come in to set up their stalls ill sneak out inside one of the empty carriages, nobody checks the back of the empty ones, who would? Old half rotting fruits and vegetables and a money sack that's filled with profit is all they would find back there._

_Ill leave this journal here so that Old man Hokage can know what happened, I love you gramps, I do. You were the closest thing to family I had, but one persons love out of thousands who hate the fact that you are breathing isn't enough. _

_I'm sorry, but hopefully ill be happier out there, be able to make friends, get a job, have a family. _

_Goodbye._

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**(A/N: and that's the end of that chapter, I bet you were all thinking that this was going to happen and it did, what are you psychics? Meh, this chapter is the fuel for the fire, the catalyst if you will, in future chapters paranoia, sadness and death! Good times. I've taken to watching an anime called black butler, its pretty good, and also sword art online that ones pretty good too, check it out if you feel like watching something new.)**


	8. Chapter 8

**(A/N: another chapter for all you readers out there, though you are all far and few between. Good News, you know how someone made an online petition to save Fanfic from being destroyed, removing lemons etc etc. well the petition only needs around 6300 more signatures and then it will be complete! So if you want to help out go to Change. org, and search fanfiction, it will be the result with over 40k supporters.)**

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**The Journal**

_Dear diary, my plan…failed._

_It was going so well too, I had managed to sneak into one of the carts that were about to leave the village heading to rice country to get some more rice wine, when a squad of Anbu popped and plucked me out of the back of the cart and dropped me back home. _

_That was a few days ago._

_I think I'm being watched. I get this feeling every now and then that someone's eyes are on me watching everything I do. _

_It's driving me mad; the only time I can escape is if I go to the bathroom, they don't seem too fond of watching me take a shit it seems. Thank goodness for small mercies._

_I don't understand, I'm only in the ninja academy, if I wanted to leave now I should be able to, I'm still considered a civilian of the hidden leaf village, not a ninja. Even if I did leave they couldn't put a bounty on my head because I never worked for them! _

_If it were anyone else, they would have been able to walk out those gates without a care in the world. But I'm not allowed to escape, not allowed freedom, not allowed to live a happy life. _

_When will it end? How much can they take from me before I snap?_

_I've got a headache. It's the worst one that I think I've ever had, it starts at the base of my neck and then curls over the top of my head like a hat, and it keeps spreading. I get no sleep now, the dark rings under my eyes have darkened even more and it makes it look like I'm wearing make-up or something, the boys at the academy make telling me this a daily thing._

_I'm tired, so tired. I just want to sleep, just for a little while, just a few hours, is that so much to ask?_

_My smile has drooped into a scowl and I can't make the effort to put it back on. I'm just too tired. I think I actually growled at a man in the street today, he said something nasty and it just came up out of my throat before I could think to say something to him. He went bone white and then ran away. It was one of the funniest things I've seen in a while. _

_I've read all the books in my house and even the ones that I borrowed from the academy, I've got nothing to do now but write in my diary and even when I'm done with that for the day I'm left to my own mind._

_I feel I'm starting to lose it. I saw something yesterday, a flash of…something. But when I looked it was gone. And when I turned away again it was there, just out of reach of my eyes, this went on for hours and when I finally saw what it was I… _

_It was one of the dead ninjas from my dream; he was standing there just looking at me, his guts hanging out and dragging along the ground, collecting dirt and dust._

_I just stood there and watched I couldn't bring myself to scream, I had seen his kind every night when I close my eyes…_

_Old man Hokage is getting annoying, he keeps inviting me into his office and asking me how my day is, but how can I explain to him that I'm losing my mind…_

_He sees how run down I am, and gets a knowing look in his eye every time I say something that I have written down._

_God I'm tired, sometimes…sometimes I just want to fall asleep and never wake up again._

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**(A/N: That's that chapter done, if you're reading this and haven't read the top authors note go up and read that, it's pretty important to fanfic and its authors.)**


	9. Chapter 9

**(A/N: woo final chapter, I was getting tired of remembering to update every day lol. But it was a nice change of pace. And it got me back into the mindset of writing again, so expect some one-shots and other stories from me. =D)**

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**The Journal**

_Dear diary…I'm done. _

_I can't do this anymore, smiling for those idiots at the academy, convincing myself that it will all get better, living in this village. _

_I'm done._

_No more._

_I'm ending it today, this mockery of a life. _

_After today, there will be no more glares, not more hurtful comments, no more suffering, no more anything!_

_Just an endless sleep, I can finally rest. I'm so tired. _

_The only thing I leave behind is my ratty apartment, my old clothes and my love for old man Hokage._

_Old man, I'm sorry, I wasn't strong enough. You were the only one I ever really cared for in this hell whole, and for that you have my undying thanks, but things have changed._

_The village that you see isn't the same one I see; you see happy faces, friendship and camaraderie, while I see hateful faces, enemies and ghost that are long dead which haunt my every step. _

_I can't do it anymore. _

_When you eventually find me I want to be buried outside of the village, somewhere nice, maybe with a waterfall, under a nice tree. Is that too much to ask, if it is anywhere else will do I guess._

_This is Uzumaki Naruto, and I'm outta here._

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Sarutobi Hiruzen, third Hokage of the village hidden in the leaves groaned as he stretched, his back and arms popping as he did so.

"Those idiots on the council really don't know how to do anything do they?" he said as he walked into his office, putting on the best little girls voice he could he muttered "Hokage-Sama, Hokage-Sama, what should I do, I've lost profit on my apples blah blah blah" sighing heavily as he sat down "what happened to the feared 'God of Shinobi' who would lead his forces against his enemies and always triumph, god I miss the good old days, now it's babysitting civilian merchants and ensuring that the clan heads egos with thoroughly stroked enough so that they didn't fight amongst each other."

Thanks to the constant meetings that he had been forced to attend to he had not been able to check up on the receiving journal that connected with Naruto's for a few days, but some of the things that he had seen Naruto write the last time he had checked were…disturbing to say the least. Inoichi seemed to believe that Naruto would benefit from this hardship, that he would grow stronger and that his beliefs were to be strengthened. Hiruzen had his doubts.

Now that he had a few moments peace to himself where he didn't have to pander to big headed idiots that maintained the leaders of his village he grabbed the small leather covered journal and opened it to where he had placed a small bookmark and started reading.

A small frown marred his wrinkled face, he had just read about Naruto's attempt to escape the village and his subsequent capture at the hands of the Anbu patrol that he had ordered to watch the boy after the incident with 'Shinji' he grimaced slightly at the part about the Anbu not watching him in the bathroom, sighing once more, he stood up again, wincing as his bones creaked lightly, he would go visit the boy screw watch Inoichi said, it was time to intervene, letting the boy go through hardship just because it would strengthen him later was too much, and this talk of seeing ghosts sent shivers down his spine.

* * *

It took a few minutes for him to get to the apartment, between his weariness and the many villagers who stopped him to talk he was later then he should have been. Walking up the shaky iron steps that lined the side of the run down apartment complex and down the hall the elderly kage approached the green door that he knew housed the village's pariah.

He knocked twice firmly on the door and waited, but when he didn't get a reply he knocked a few more times only to get the same result. Trying the door handle he found that it was unlocked, stepping lightly into the apartment he couldn't help but feel something was wrong, a sort of instinct that he had developed over his long life of war and battles.

"Naruto?" he called out to the cold apartment. "Naruto?" he called out once more before sending a brief pulse of chakra throughout the apartment to check and see if there was anything living in the apartment.

There wasn't.

Walking deeper into the apartment, he noticed that the journal that was identical to the one he had been reading in his office was open on the table in the middle of the kitchen, a new entry had been written, but the book hadn't been closed so the seals wouldn't have transmitted them to his journal.

Quickly reading through the latest entry Sarutobi gasped and dropped the journal on the floor before running in the other rooms of the apartment.

"Naruto!" Bedroom. Nothing.

"Naruto!" Living room. Nothing.

"Narut-" There lying against the tub was the body of Uzumaki Naruto, his blood stained top hung loosely from his small body and a small smile was set on the boys face. A kunai was stuck in his neck right on the mark of his carotid artery, the main artery that dealt with sending oxygenated blood to the head and brain.

Hiruzen sank to his knees and sobbed as he held the little boys body close to his chest, his tears hitting the boy's soft hair and his pained cries echoing around the small bathroom.

That had been four years ago, after that the villages leader seemed to change, he was colder, less like the grandfatherly image that the young children at the academy had grown to know and more like a war hardened shinobi.

Hiruzen had followed Naruto's dying wish and had taken his body out of the village and to a place he knew that had a waterfall and large trees. That was where he was standing now, dressed in the customary Hokage's garb and smoking on his pipe just like he had done four years ago when he had talked to Naruto.

"The Chuunin finals are tomorrow, I had hoped to see you there as one of my subordinates taking the next step into the world of a shinobi, but as I learned from you, there isn't much use in hoping." He said down to the small grave marker that was resting underneath a shady tree.

"There's going to be an invasion tomorrow, my old student Orochimaru will be returning home and I as his teacher will great him with open arms and a kunai in the back, I have learned from my mistakes, learned from my complacency. I just wish I had done something sooner, then maybe I would be having this conversation with you face to face, and not to your grave, but…I guess that's just another mistake that I will be judged on when I die…I don't know if ill live past this battle tomorrow, but if I do then I think ill retire, leave the position to someone younger." Taking another puff of his pipe and letting the rich smoke drift out of his aged nostrils. "And if I don't…well then I guess ill be having more conversations to you face to face."

And with that he straightened his Hokage's hat and starting walking back to the village with leaves dancing on the breeze around him.

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**(A/N: and that's the story done, I'm sorry if you all wanted me to have Naruto live and have Hiruzen intervene like his original intent but that wasn't what I wanted to do, I wanted to create something darker, something more realistic and not like a fairy tail that most people thing that the shinobi world would be. If you want to create something more light hearted feel free to use my ideas from this story, if you do please send me a link so that I can read it as well. Thanks for reading =D) **


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